A Day Off So you want a day off. Let's look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year, inwhich you already have two days off, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available, You spend 30 min. each day on coffee break, that accounts for 23 more days each year, leaving only 68 days. With a one hyour lunch each day, you use up another 48 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leav. This leaves only 20 days available for work. We offer 5 holidays per year, leaving only 15 days. We generously give you 14 days vacation per year leaving you only 1 day available for work and I'll be dammed if you're going to take that day off!!! #0 -- NEWSFLASH -- Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!! Details at eleven! #1 -Gifts for Men - Men are amused by almost any idiot thing - that is why professional ice hockey is so popular - so buying gifts for them is easy. But you should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error, that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh at him (You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?). So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you. If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set of tires. -Dave Barry, Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide #2 Yoda (Sung to the tune of Lola, by the Kinks) by Weird Al Yankovic I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda S-O-D-A soda I saw the little runt sitting there on a log I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda Well I've been around but I ain't never seen A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda #3 -Gifts for Children - This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children, because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday- morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift. -Dave Barry, Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide #4 ACHTUNG!!! Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und vatch das blinkenlights!!! #5 Commandment #12592 Oh ye who go about saying unto each other: "Hello sailor": Dost thou know the magnitude of thy sin before the gods? Yea, verily, thou shalt be ground between two stones. Shall the angry gods cast thy body into the whirlpool? Surely, thy eye shall be put out with a sharp stick! Even unto the ends of the earth shalt thou wander and unto the land of the dead shalt thou be sent at last. Surely thou shalt repent of thy cunning. #6 JACK AND THE BEANSTACK by Mark Isaak Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it to him. So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path, he met the traveling salesman. "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman in high-level language. "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips and Apples," commented Jack. "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now." Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she started thrashing. "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the window ... #7 THE STORY OF CREATION or THE MYTH OF URK In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null, and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, Let there be registers; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried; and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening and there was morning, one interrupt ... -Rico Tudor #8 Pittsburgh Driver's Test The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light but a steady left tail light. This means (a) one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn to call the problem to the driver's attention. (b) the driver is signaling a right turn. (c) the driver is signaling a left turn. (d) the driver is from out of town. The correct answer is (d). Tail lights are used in some foreign countries to signal turns. #9 A Severe Strain on Credulity As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the highest parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one considers the multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one begins to doubt ... for after the rocket quits our air and really starts on its journey, its flight would be neither accelerated nor maintained by the explosion of the charges it then might have left. Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in Clark College and countenancing of the Smithsonian Institution, does not know the relation of action to re-action, and of the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react ... Of course he only seems to lack the knowledge ladled out daily in high schools. -New York Times Editorial, 1920 #10 (sung to The Caissons Go Rolling Along) Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all, Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. And we've also found Just flip one switch When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble in a flash. Oh, it's so much fun, When the CPU Now the CPU won't run Can print nothing out but foo, And the system is going to crash. The system is going to crash. #11 The Five Yorkshiremen: The Next Generation Y1: Who would've thought that we'd be on a ship that could separate in times of battle and keep most of the crew safe? I remember when the whole ship used to go to yellow alert every time we entered an ion storm. Y2: You were lucky. We had to go to double yellow alert whenever the captain fell into an obelisk, came out thinking he was a god, and married an Indian woman. Y3: You were lucky. We had to go to yellowish-red alert every time a woman came on board and stole the first officer's brain. Y4: You were lucky to have a woman on board. We had to go to red alert when we were attacked by a mutant salt creature disguised as a woman. Y5: Luxury! We had to go to double red alert every time the captain found an overloading phaser in his quarters. Y1: Oh, we used to dream of having an overloading phaser in the captain's quarters. We had to go to triple red alert every time the blood- sucking gas cloud got into the ship through impulse vent number two. Y2: You were lucky. We had to go to quadruple red alert, blow up our own ship, steal a Klingon bird of prey (which doesn't even have a red alert), go to Vulcan to revive the dead captain, go back in time and get two whales, come back and crash land in San Francisco Bay, all on a Klingon triple black alert. Y3: And if you'd try to tell that to these young officers today, they wouldn't believe you. Others: Nope. No they wouldn't. #12 How to tell when you are dead 1) Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, bugs, ants. 2) Something is missing in your personal relationships. 3) Your dog becomes overly affectionate. 4) You have a hard time getting a waiter. 5) Exotic birds flock around you. 6) People ignore you at parties. 7) You have a hard time getting up in the morning. 8) You no longer get off on cocaine. #13 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence 1) Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear bomb; use the stairs. 2) When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit the ground. 3) If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials. 4) Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to psychological problems. 5) Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes, shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc. 6) Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs will be scarce in the post-nuclear age. 7) Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles. 8) Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be staggering illegally. 9) Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more sanitary due to limited circulation. 10) Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on D-Day. #14 Inventory Four be the things I am wiser to know: Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe. Four be the things I'd been better without: Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt. Three be the things I shall never attain: Envy, content, and sufficient champagne. Three be the things I shall have till I die: Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye. #15 'Twas the Night before Crisis 'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house, Not a program was working not even a browse. The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care, Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer. The users were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of inquiries danced in their heads. When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter. And what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear. More rapid than eagles, his programs they came, And he whistled and shouted and called them by name; On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete! On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete! His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean, From Weekends and nights in front of a screen. A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head, Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread... #16 Computer Program Virtually Eliminates Machine Errors Spokesmen for a local electronic firm have announced a computer program that through fresh application of an old technique - virtually eliminates lost time due to malfunction of computer components. Called OREMA (from latin "oremus", meaning "let us pray"), the program offers prayers at selected time intervals for the continued integrity of memory units, tape transports, and other elements subject to depravity. Basically liturgical in structure, OREMA uses standard petitions and intercessions stored on magnetic tapes in Latin, Hebrew, and FORTRAN. It holds regular maintenance services thrice daily on an automatic cycle, and operator intervention is required only for mounting tapes and making responses, such as "Amen", or "And With Thy Spirit", on the console typewriter. Prayers in Hebrew and FORTRAN are offered directly to the CPU, but Latin prayers may go to peripheral equipment for transfer to the CPU by internal subroutines. Although manufacturer supplied prayer reels cover all machine troubles known today, the program will add punch card prayers to any tape, as needed, after the final existing AMEN block. Classified prayer reels are available for government installations. In trials on selected machines, OREMA reduced by 98.2 percent the average down time due to component failure. The manufacturer's spokesman emphasized, however, that OREMA presently defends only against malfunction of hardware. Requestor errors and other human blunders will continue unchecked until completion of a later version to be called SIN-OREMA. -W.S. Minkler, Jr. American Nuclear Society, Jan. 1965 #17 Ancestry When speaking of our ancestry, My mother's eyes would shine, And proudly she would tell us all: "You're of the Tudor line." But father with a smile would say: "While bearing that in mind, You keep your eyes on goals ahead; Not those that be behind." "You have a noble ancestry, But all are dead and gone, 'Tis you who have to prove your worth, Not those who've journeyed on." "And back along that Tudor line, 'Tis sorry truth I state, There may be some you can't approve, And even some you'd hate." "The way to prove your ancestry, As what you are yourself; Not by the charted family tree, In book upon the shelf." "So try to be an ancestor, Within the time allowed, Of whom your children's children, In the future can be proud." #18 Another Glitch in the Call (Sung to the tune of a recent Pink Floyd song.) We don't need no indirection We don't need no flow control No data typing or declarations Did you leave the lists alone? Hey! Hacker! Leave those lists alone! Chorus: All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call. All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call. #19 SPRING As I awoke this morning When all sweet things are born, A bird perched softly on my sill To signal coming morn. The bird was fragile, young, and gay, And sweetly did it sing, Hummed softly with a cheery song, So too my heart did sing. The sun gave to his feathers glow, And as he paused, a lull, I gently closed the window, And crushed his little skull. #20 Seven years and six months! Humpty Dumpty repeated thoughtfully. An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY advice, I'd have said `Leave off at seven' - but it's too late now. I never ask advice about growing, Alice said indignantly. Too proud? the other enquired. Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. I mean, she said, that one can't help growing older. ONE can't, perhaps, said Humpty Dumpty; but TWO can. With proper assistance, you might have left off at seven. -Lewis Carroll #21 Theory Into love and out again, Thus I went and thus I go. Spare your voice, and hold your pen: Well and bitterly I know All the songs were ever sung, All the words were ever said; Could it be, when I was young, Someone dropped me on my head? -Dorothy Parker #22 There was a cage with several apes in it. In the cage there was a banana hung on a string, and stairs under it. Before long an ape went to the stairs to get the banana, but as soon as it even touched the stairs, all apes were sprayed with water. After a while the same ape or another one made another attempt, with the same result: all apes are sprayed. If later another ape tries to climb the stairs, the others will try to prevent it. Now they took one ape from the cage and put in a new one. The new ape saw the banana, and wanted to climb the stairs. To his horror all other apes attacked him. After another attempt he knew: if he wanted to climb the stairs, he would be beaten up. Then they removed a second ape and replaced it by another new one. The newcomer went to the stairs and got beaten up. The previous new ape took part in the punishment with enthusiasm. A third old ape was replaced by a third new one. The new one made it to the stairs and got beaten up as well. Two of the apes who beat him have no idea why they may not climb the stairs. They replace the fourth old ape, and the fifth, etc. until all apes which have been sprayed with water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever tries to climb the stairs. One day a new, young ape asks, "But Sir, why not?" "Because that's the way we do things around here, my boy." #23 You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young! Why, what did she tell you? I don't know, I didn't listen! -Ford Prefect #24 Nations and empires flourish and decay, By turns command, and in their turns obey. -Ovid #25 --- (0 0) Kilroy was here ----------------------W--U--W------------------------------ #26 PROBLEM SOLVING PROCESS ___________________________ YES / Does the Darn Thing work? \ NO +------------| |------------+ | \___________________________/ | | | V V +----------+ _________ | Don't | YES / Did you \ | mess | +---------| mess | | with it! | | | with it | +----------+ | \_________/ | V | NO | _________ +-------+ | | / Does \ | YOU | | | NO | anyone |<-----------| MORON | | | +---| know? | +-------+ | | | \_________/ | | V | YES | | +------+ +-----------+ | | | HIDE | V | | | IT | +--------+ _____v_____ | +------+ | YOU | YES / WILL THEY \ | | +------->| DUMB |<------------| CATCH YOU?| | | | | MORON | \___________/ | | | |________| | NO | | | | V | | | ______v________ +------------+ | | | NO / CAN YOU BLAME \ |DESTROY THE | | | +------| SOMEONE ELSE? | | EVIDENCE | | | \_______________/ +------------+ | | | YES | | | | | | | v | | | ============================= | | +------>|| N O ||<------+ +-------------->|| P R O B L E M || ============================= #27 Gimmie That Old Time Religion We will follow Zarathustra, We will worship like the Druids, Zarathustra like we use to, Dancing naked in the woods, I'm a Zarathustra booster, Drinking strange fermented fluids, And he's good enough for me! And it's good enough for me! (chorus) (chorus) In the church of Aphrodite, The priestess wears a see-through nightie, She's a mighty righteous sightie, And she's good enough for me! (chorus) CHORUS: Give me that old time religion, Give me that old time religion, Give me that old time religion, 'Cause it's good enough for me! #28 v ~. v v /| / | v v /__|__ \--------/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`~~~~~~'~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ #29 //-n-\\ _____---=======---_____ ====____\ /.. ..\ /____==== // ---\__o__/--- \\ \_\ /_/ #30 (__) (__) (__) (oo) (OO) (xx) /-------\/ /-------\/ /-------\/ / | || / | || / | || * ||----|| * ||----|| * ||----|| ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ Cow Cow 10 miles from Cow 1 mile from nuclear waste dump nuclear waste dump #31 (__) (oo) M M O0O OOO /-------\/ --- MM MM O O O O / | || M M M O O O O * ||----|| M M O0O OOO ~~ ~~ COW #32 A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling, by Mark Twain: For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all. Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli. Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld. #33 T H I S IS A T E S T O F T H E E M E R G E N C Y B R O A D C A S T I N G S Y S T E M I F T H I S H A D B E E N A R E A L E M E R G E N C Y Y O U W O U L D H A V E B E E N I N S T R U C T E D T O P A N I C ! ! ! #34 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX X X X X \ / X X X V X X X O OX X X \___##X___/ X X ##X## X X ___#X###___ X X / X#### \ X X _X_###___ X X /X V \ X X X X XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX #35 YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF PAPER SHUFFLING! Mr. TAA of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel really important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best." - Mr. MARC had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward to was a dead-end job as a engineer. Now I have a promising future and make really big Zorkmids." - MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter. SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY! #36 In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi, junior, what are you up to?" "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the rabbit. "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!" "Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face. Comes along a wolf. "Hello, what are we doing these days?" "I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits devour wolves." "Are you crazy? Where is your academic honesty?" "Come with me and I'll show you." As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied look on his face and a diploma in his paw. Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge lion sitting next to some bloody and furry remnants of the wolf and the fox. The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are important -- it's your PhD advisor that really counts. #37 ___ / \ | RIP | |_____| #38 lim(major) = P.E. GPA-->0 #39 o < ' Run! / > ' ' #40 "... all the modern inconveniences ..." -Mark Twain #41 "All flesh is grass." -Isaiah Smoke a friend today. #42 "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?" asked the father of his little son. "Diet." #43 "Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way." -Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle" #44 "Can I park here?" "Nope", said the cop. "Well, then how come these other cars are parked here?" "They didn't ask me", replied the cop. #45 "Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist. "Who else?" answered the patient. #46 "Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly, sincerely, extremely dangerously. #47 "Football combines the two worst features of American life. It is violence punctuated by committee meetings." -George F. Will #48 "Give us a copper, Guv" said the beggar to the Treasury statistician, when he waylaid him in Parliament square. "I haven't eaten for three days." "Ah," said the statistician, "And how does that compare with the same period last year?" -Russell Lewis #49 "Give us the man," shout the multitude," who will step forward and take the responsibility." He is instantly the idol, the lord, and the king among men. He, then, who would command among his fellows, must excel them more in energy or will than in power of intellect. -Burnap #50 "Go to Hell!" or other direct insult is all the answer a snoopy question deserves. -Lazarus Long #51 "Have you lived here all your life?" "Oh, twice that long." #52 "Heroine" is perhaps as peculiar a word as any in our language; the two first letters of it are a male, the three first a female, the four first a brave man, and the whole word a brave woman, and the first 6 letters of it are the downfall of all of the others. #53 "I don't think so," said Ren'e Descartes. Just then, he vanished. #54 "I hate the itching. But I don't mind the swelling." (new buzz phrase, like "No new taxes." that David Letterman's trying to get everyone to start saying) #55 "I must do something" will always solve more problems than, "Something must be done." #56 "I'm lonely," Adam told God in the Garden of Eden. "I need to have somenone around for company." "Okay," replied God. "I'm going to give you the perfect woman. Beautiful, intelligent and gracious - she'll cook and clean for you and never say a cross word." "Sounds good," Adam said. "But what's she going to cost?" "An arm and a leg." "That's pretty steep," countered Adam. "What can I get for just a rib?" #57 "Right reason," by which Cicero meant, "an immediate and intuitive apprehension of moral and spiritual values," of what is right and just and what is wrong and unjust, was in the nature of things placed by God in all men; and no decree or legislative enactment could change what is right and what is wrong. -Forest MacDonald #58 "The enemy was repelled. But victory was not won. The war dragged on for a year and there was no decision. Gold grew scarce, and again the Government was in despair. "I easily relieved them. 'Write,' I said, 'promises on paper to be repaid in gold.' They did as I advised, paying me (at my request) a trifle of half a million for the advice. I handled the affairon a merely nominal profit. I punctually met for another year every note that was pain in. But too many were presented, for the war seemed unending and entered a third year." "Then did i conceive yet another stupendous thing. 'Bid them,' said I to the Sultan, 'take the notes as money. Cease to repay. Write, not 'I will on delivery of this paper pay a piece of gold,' but, 'this is a piece of gold.'" "He did as I told him. The next day the Vizier came to me with the story of an insolent fellow to whom fifty such notes had been offered as payment for a camel for the war and who had sent back, not a camel, but another piece of paper on which was written 'This is a camel.'" "'Cut off his head!' said I." "It was done, and the warning sufficed. The paper was taken and the war proceeded." from Hilaire Belloc, _The_Mercy_of_Allah_, 1922 courtesy of ECON 605 by Leigh Tesfatsion #59 "Truth," I cried, "though the heavens crush me for following her; no falsehood, though a whole celestial Lubberland were the price of apostasy!" -Carlyle #60 "Twice five syllables Plus seven can't say much but That's Haiku for you. #61 "VAX. For those who care enough to steal the very best." -- A microscopic message on the silicon chip inside one of Digital Equipment's often stolen computer designs. #62 "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty teenager asked her mother. "Encouragement, dear," she replied. #63 "Where shall I begin, please your Majesty?" he asked. "Begin at the beginning," the King said, gravely, "and go on till you come to the end: then stop." -Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, Lewis Carroll #64 "Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school. -George Ade #65 "Why should I?" is the cry of work dodgers. Their aim is to do just enough to get by. They are clock watchers who are afraid they will render more service than they are paid to perform. They are too lazy to think, too selfish to put their shoulders to the wheel in a common cause. #66 "Wrong," said Renner. "The tactful way," Rod said quietly, "the polite way to disagree with the Senator would be to say, `That turns out not to be the case.'" #67 "You doubted Me," God tells the Lawgiver [Moses], "But I forgave you that doubt. You doubted your own self and failed to believe in your own powers as a leader, and I forgave you that also. But you lost faith in these people and doubted the divine possibilities of Human Nature. THIS loss of faith makes it impossible for you to enter the Promised Land." -The Midrash #68 $100 placed at 7 percent interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will increase to more than $100,000,000, by which time it will be worth nothing. -Lazarus Long #69 %DCL-BAD-MEM, bad memory VMS-F-PUDDEARS, pudding between the ears #70 %DIRECT-W-NOFILES, no files found #71 'Tis a common proof, that lowliness is a Edward Young ambition's ladder, whereto the climber upwards turns his face; but when he once attains the utmost round, he then unto the ladder turns his back, looks into the clouds scorning the base degrees by which he did ascend. -Shakespeare #72 'Tis better that a man's own works, than that another man's words should praise him. -L'Estrange #73 'Tis distance lends enchantment to the view, And robes the mountain in its azure hue. -Campbell #74 'Tis easier for the generous to forgive, Than for offense to ask it. -Thomson #75 'Tis education forms the common mind. Just as the twig is bent, the tree's inclin'd -Alexander Pope #76 'Tis home felt pleasure prompts the patriot's sigh; This makes him wish to live and dare to die. -Campbell #77 'Tis in my memory lock'd, And you yourself shall keep the key of it. -Shakespeare #78 'Tis late before The brave despair. -Thomson #79 'Tis not in mortals to command success; But we'll do more, Sempronius- we'll deserve it. -Addison #80 'Tis not the fairest form that holds The mildest, purest soul within; 'Tis not the richest plant that holds The sweetest fragrance in. -Dawes #81 'Tis not too late to seek a newer world. -Tennyson #82 'Tis one thing to be tempted, another thing to fall. -Shakespeare #83 'Tis pleasant, sure, to see one's name in print; A book's a book, although there's nothing in't. -Lord Byron #84 'Tis strange the miser should his cares employ To gain the riches he can ne'er enjoy. -Alexander Pope #85 'Tis the dream of each programmer, Before his life is done, To write three lines of APL, And make the damn thing run. #86 'Tis the mind that makes the body rich. -Shakespeare #87 'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks Did gyre and gimble in their cave All mimsy was the CS-VAX And Cory raths outgrave. Beware the software rot, my son! The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash! Beware the broken pipe, and shun The frumious system crash! #88 'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And throughout our place of residence, Kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the woodburning caloric apparatus, Pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations is the honorific title of St. Nicklaus ... #89 (Sung to the tune of The Impossible Dream from MAN OF LA MANCHA) To code the impossible code, To bring up a virgin machine, To pop out of endless recursion, To grok what appears on the screen, To right the unrightable bug, To endlessly twiddle and thrash, To mount the unmountable magtape, To stop the unstoppable crash! #90 (The following is the large-type attention-getting part of a flyer advertising Princeton University's amateur mime group. Reprinted without permission, though I doubt they'd mind the extra circulation.) CALL 900-HOT-MIME for SILENT FANTASIES "Our mime is in the gutter." #91 (rubs hands, inhales appreciatively) "Ah -- a meal fit for a king!" (looks around, whistles) "Here, King!" #92 ... And malt does more than Milton can To justify God's ways to man -A. E. Housman #93 ... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror, and you would not have been informed. #94 ... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up. -Dave Barry, Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide #95 ... The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge. #96 ... and borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry. -Shakespeare #97 ... and living was just a way of passing time until he died. -Hamish Sankov #98 ... and oftener changed their principles than their shirts. -Dr. Young #99 ... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ... #100 ... it is not through sin that he opposes God. The Devil's strategy for our times is to make trivial human existence and to isolate us from one another while creating the delusion that the reasons are time pressures, work demands, or economic anxieties. -C. S. Lewis #101 ... it's just what usually happens is propaganda from the right is perceived as actuality, and propaganda from the left is perceived as propaganda... -Art Spiegelman #102 ... so the American government went to IBM to come up with a data encryption standard and they came up with... EBCDIC! #103 ... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!! #104 ... there being nothing more evident than that creatures of the same species should be equal amongst one another without subordination or subjection. -John Locke #105 ...and the fully armed nuclear warheads, are, of course, merely a courtesy detail. #106 .retupmoc eht edisni deppart ma I !pleH #107 /earth is 98% full ... please delete all un-necessary people. #108 1.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's the law! #109 10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0. #110 100 buckets of bits on the bus... 100 buckets of bits Take one down, short it to ground FF buckets of bits on the bus FF buckets of bits on the bus... FF buckets of bits Take one down, short it to ground FE buckets of bits on the bus ad infinitum... #111 101-ism: The tendency to pick apart, often in minute detail, all aspects of life using half-understood pop psychology as a tool. -Douglas Coupland, Generation X #112 186,282 Miles per Second. It's not just a good idea. IT'S THE LAW. #113 2+2=5-ism: Caving in to a target marketing strategy aimed at oneself after holding out for a long period of time. "Oh, all right, I'll buy your stupid cola. Now leave me alone." -Douglas Coupland, Generation X #114 2180, U.S. History question: What 20th Century U.S. President was almost impeached and what office did he later hold? #115 355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation! #116 43rd Law of Computing: Anything that can go wr fortune: Segmentation violation - Core dumped #117 7:30, Channel 19: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National Redwood Forest. #118 99 blocks of crud on the disk... 99 blocks of crud! You patch a bug, and dump it again: 100 blocks of crud on the disk! 100 blocks of crud on the disk, 100 blocks of crud! You patch a bug, and dump it again: 101 blocks of crud on the disk! ... #119 A CONS is an object which cares. -Bernie Greenberg #120 A Democratic nation, at least when organized to secure the political rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, can be a large and populous nation. -Michael Scully #121 A Dozen, a Gross and a Score, plus three times the square root of four, divided by seven, plus five times eleven, equals nine squared and not a bit more. ((12 + 144 + 20 + (3 * 4^1/2)) / 7) + (5 * 11) = 9^2 +0 #122 A God alone can comprehend a God. -Young #123 A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of nothing. #124 A Law of Computer Programming: Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you will find the programmers cannot write in English. #125 A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional ability in that particular field." #126 A Millet man tried to have his marriage voided when he found out her father didn't have a license for his shotgun. #127 A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the movies insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them. #128 A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion. #129 A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone, somewhere is having fun. #130 A Rare Conjunction of Stars means bad luck for the rest of your life. #131 A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized rosewater. #132 A Smith and Wesson beats four aces. #133 A UNIX saleslady, Lenore, Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more. She found a good way To combine work and play: She sells C shells by the seashore. #134 A White House well filled, a little peanut field well tilled, and a wife who will go to the Bronx are great riches. -Poor Jimmy's Almanac #135 A army's effectiveness depends on its size, training, experience and morale, and morale is worth more than all the other factors combined. -Napoleon Bonaparte #136 A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no responsibility at the other. #137 A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce. -Don Quinn #138 A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably atop a nice firm tuft of grass. -Donald A. Metz #139 A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such uncontrollable physical phenomena. -Donald A. Metz #140 A bank robber in Buffalo entered and placed a bag over his head. He forgot to poke eyeholes and was blinded, and promptly tackled by security guards and customers. #141 A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. -Mark Twain #142 A baseball player who makes a spectacular defensive play always leads off the next inning as batter. -Bob Smith #143 A bather whose clothing was strewed By breezes that left her quite nude, Saw a man come along And, unless I'm quite wrong, You expected this line to be lewd. #144 A bathroom hook will be loaded to capacity immediately upon becoming available. This also applies to freeways, closets, playgrounds, downtown hotels, taxis, parking lots, bookcases, wallets, purses, pockets, pipe racks, basement shelves, and so on. The list is endless. -John Joyce #145 A beautiful eye makes silence eloquent, a kind eye makes contradiction an assent, an enraged eye makes beauty deformed. This little member gives life to every part about us; and I believe the story of Argus implies no more, than the eye is in every part; that is to say, every other part would be mutilated, were not its force represented more by the eye than even by itself. -Addison #146 A bee is not a busier animal than a blockhead. -Alexander Pope #147 A billion here, a couple of billion there - first thing you know it adds up to be real money. -Everett McKinley Dirksen #148 A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him. #149 A bird in the hand is better than overhead. #150 A bird in the hand is dead. -Rhonda Boozer #151 A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose. #152 A bitter jest, when the satire comes too near the truth, leaves a sharp sting behind. -Tacitus #153 A blind rabbit was hopping through the woods, tripping over logs and crashing into trees. At the same time, a blind snake was slithering through the same forest, crashing into rocks and trees. The rabbit and the snake collided head-on. "Please excuse me, sir, I'm blind and I bumped into you accidentally," said the rabbit. "That's quite all right," said the snake, "I have the same problem." "All my life I've been wondering what I am," said the rabbit, "Do you think you could help me find out?" "I'll try," said the snake. He gently coiled himself around the rabbit. "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have a little fluffy tail and long ears. You're a bunny rabbit!" "Oh, thank you very much!" said the rabbit. "I don't know what I am either," said the snake. "Do you suppose you could help me?" The rabbit pawed over the snake. "You're low, cold and slimy..." He felt the snake's underbelly. "And you have no balls." "You're an attorney!" #154 A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have enlightened him with ours. #155 A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun. #156 A bottle of sweat for every bottle of wine. #157 A brave man is sometimes a desperado; a bully is always a coward. -Haliburton #158 A brute kills for pleasure. A fool kills from hate. #159 A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward. #160 A bureaucrat's castle is his desk ... and parking place. Proceed cautiously when changing either. -Douglas Evelyn #161 A camel is a horse designed by committee. A brontosaurus is a salamander designed to Mil-Spec. #162 A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor to protect them from each other. #163 A carelessly planned project takes three times longer to complete than expected; a carefully planned project will only take twice as long. #164 A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness. #165 A chain is only as strong as its weakest link. #166 A characteristic of the normal child is he doesn't act that way very often. #167 A chase always involves two parts: first breaking contact, second the retiring action to divorce oneself from the incident. -Robert A. Heinlein #168 A chicken doesn't stop scratching just because the worms are scarce. -John Peers #169 A child is a person who can't understand why someone would give away a perfectly good kitten. -Doug Larson #170 A child miseducated is a child lost. -John F. Kennedy #171 A child of 5 could understand this! Fetch me a child of 5. #172 A christian in this world is but gold in the ore; at death the pure gold is melted out and separated and the dross cast away and consumed. -Flavel #173 A christian is the highest style of man. -Young #174 A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie. #175 A city is a large community where people are lonesome together -Herbert Prochnow #176 A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read. -Mark Twain #177 A clean limerick is a contradiction in terms. #178 A clean, neat, and orderly work place is a sure sign of a sick mind. #179 A closed mouth gathers no foot. #180 A clown is a clown and will always be a clown. -Babbaluche the cobbler #181 A college education shows a man how little other people know. -Haliburton #182 A column about errors will contain errors. -Bill Gold #183 A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain. #184 A committee is a thing which takes a week to do what one good man can do in an hour. -Elbert Hubbard #185 A committee is an animal with a hundred stomachs and no brains. #186 A company in California has started to market "camouflage toilet paper" for use in the woods and plans to run testimonials from hunters who claim they have been shot at while using ordinary toilet paper (by hunters who mistook them for white-tailed deer). (From 'News of the Weird" in the San Jose Mercury News) #187 A company is known by the people it keeps. #188 A component's degree of reliability is directly proportional to it's ease of accessibility (the harder it is to get to, the more often it breaks down). -Johnathon Waddell #189 A compromise is the art of dividing the cake in such a way that each one thinks he is getting the biggest piece. #190 A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do. #191 A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken. #192 A computer, to print out a fact, Will divide, multiply, and subtract. But this output can be No more than debris, If the input was short of exact. -Gigo #193 A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking. #194 A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it. #195 A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home. #196 A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper. -John M. Dyer #197 A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. -Ben Franklin #198 A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not take place. #199 A couple of men go to rob a bank. They back their car up to the doors of the bank, tie a chain around the door handles, then around their fender, then hit the gas. The fender rips off the car and they panic and speed away. The police recovered the fender AND THE LICENSE PLATE and tracked down the puzzled crooks. #200 A cow eats without a knife. #201 A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. -Marvin Kitman #202 A crisis is when you can't say, "Let's just forget the whole thing." -Ferguson #203 A critic is a person who creates nothing and thereby feels qualified to judge the work of creative people. There is logic in this; he is unbiased- he hates all creative people equally. -Lazarus Long #204 A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison And had an affair with a Saracen. She was not oversexed, Or jealous or vexed, She just wanted to make a comparison. #205 A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. -Oscar Wilde #206 A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. -H. L. Mencken #207 A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern. -Edgar A. Shoaff #208 A cynic is one who will laugh at anything so long as it isn't funny. #209 A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it? #210 A day without fusion is like a day without sunshine. #211 A day without sunshine is like night. #212 A deaf ear is the first symptom of a closed mind. #213 A diplomat and a stage magician are the two professions that have to have a high silk hat. All the tricks that either one of them have are in the hat, and all are known to other diplomats and magicians. #214 A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur coat. #215 A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. #216 A diplomat's life is made up of three things: protocol, Geritol, and alcohol. #217 A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste. #218 A disagreeable task is its own reward. #219 A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality test", said the outsider, "because I want you to be happy." Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too". #220 A disfiguring car accident will improve your looks. #221 A diva who specializes in risqu'e arias is an off-coloratura soprano ... #222 A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat." The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an architect." The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?" #223 A dog is a dog except when he is facing you. Then he is Mr. Dog. -Haitian Farmer #224 A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. -Ogden Nash #225 A dress that zips up the back will bring a husband and wife together. -James H. Boren #226 A dull mind, once arriving at an inference that flatters a desire, is rarely able to retain the impression that the notion from which the inference started was purely problematic. -George Eliot #227 A fail-safe circuit will destroy others. #228 A fake fortune teller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around she deserved. -Lazarus Long #229 A falling body always rolls to the most inaccessible spot. -Theodore M. Bernstein #230 A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a Xerox 1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. Wanting to help, the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network with the mouse, and asked "what do you see?" Very earnestly, the Undergraduate replied "I see a cursor." The Hacker then quickly pressed the boot toggle at the back of the keyboard, while simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head with a thick Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened. #231 A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. -Sir Winston Churchill #232 A father in Georgia called his local IRS office to ask if he could deduct the cost of his daughter's wedding as "a total loss". #233 A feature is a bug with seniority. -Dave Bartley #234 A fellow-feeling makes one wondrous kind. -Garrick #235 A few books are all right, like wine, but too much can be bad. Books break down brains. #236 A fire eater must eat fire even if he has to kindle it himself. -Salvor Hardin #237 A fit of anger is as fatal to dignity as a dose of arsenic to life. -Dr. Holland #238 A flattering painter, who made it his care to draw men as they ought to be, not as they are. -Oliver Goldsmith #239 A fool in a high station is like a man on the top of a high mountain: everything appears small to him and he appears small to everybody. -Professor Leader W. Matsch #240 A fool must now and then be right by chance. #241 A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education. -George Bernard Shaw #242 A fool, indeed, has great need of a title; it teaches men to call him Count and Duke, and to forget his proper name of Fool. -Crowne #243 A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant. #244 A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds. -Samuel Johnson #245 A foot is a device for finding furniture in the dark. #246 A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used. -D. Gries #247 A free people always has the right to dismiss its rulers, whom it regards as its servants, at any time. -Harry V. Jaffa #248 A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular. -Adlai Stevenson #249 A friend asks only for your time, not your money. #250 A friend of a friend was horrified to find out, at the age of twenty-five, that his life line was extremely short. When he tried to lengthen it (with his trusty Victorinox) he bled to death. #251 A friend of mine stopped smoking, drinking, overeating, and chasing women- all at the same time. It was a lovely funeral. #252 A friend to everybody is a friend to nobody. #253 A friend will let you hold the ladder while he goes up on the roof to install your new TV antenna, which is the biggest son of a bitch you ever saw. #254 A friend will refrain from telling you he picked up the same amount of life insurance coverage you did for the half the price and his is non-cancelable. #255 A friend with weed is a friend indeed. #256 A gen'ral sets his army in array in vain, unless he fight and win the day. -Denham #257 A generation which ignores history has no past - and no future. #258 A gentleman does things no gentleman should do in a way only a gentleman can. -Luigi Banzini #259 A gentleman has ease without familiarity, is respectful without meanness; genteel without affectation, insinuating without seeming art. -Chesterfield #260 A gentleman is a man who can support his own weight on his hands. #261 A gift of flowers will soon be made to you. Don't eat them this time. #262 A girl with psychic powers, She said "T-Bone, what's your sign?" I blinked and answered "Neon" - I thought I'd blow her mind. - Tom "T-Bone" Stankus #263 A good USENET motto would be a. Together, a strong community. b. Computers R Us. c. I'm sick of programming, I think I'll just screw around for a while on company time. #264 A good book is the precious life-blood of a master spirit, embalmed and treasured up on purpose to a life beyond life. -Milton #265 A good cook is like a sorceress who dispenses happiness. -Else Schiaparelli #266 A good dinner sharpens wit, while it softens the heart. -Doran #267 A good imitation is the most perfect originality. -Voltaire #268 A good leader inspires others with confidence in him; a great leader inspires them with confidence in themselves. #269 A good name will wear out; a bad one may be turned; a nickname lasts forever. -Zimmerman #270 A good neighbor is one who will watch your vacation slides all evening without telling you that he has been there. #271 A good place to start is where you are. -Charles Wolf, Jr. #272 A good teacher has been defined as one who makes himself progressively unnecessary. -Thomas J. Carruthers #273 A good word is an easy obligation, but not to speak ill, requires only our silence, which costs us nothing. -Tillotson #274 A good workman is known by his tools. #275 A goodly apple rotten at the heart; O, what a goodly outside falsehood hath! -Shakespeare #276 A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough to take it all away. -Barry Goldwater #277 A grave, wherever found, preaches a short and pithy sermon to the soul. -Hawthorne #278 A gray eye is still and sly; A roguish eye is the brown; The eye of blue is ever true; But in the black eye's sparkling spell Mystery and mischief dwell. #279 A great fortune is a great slavery. -Seneca #280 A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. -William James #281 A great name for a new country song: If I'd Shot You Sooner, I'd Be Out of Jail by Now. #282 A great source of error is the judging of events by abstract calculations, which though geometrically true are false as they relate to the concerns of beings governed more by passions and prejudice than by an enlightened sense of their interests. -Alexander Hamilton #283 A guy I know has C:\BELFRY in his PATH on his PC. Why? Because that's where he keeps his .BATs. #284 A guy down the hall has a wooden stake in his window with a sign that reads "BREAK GLASS IN CASE OF VAMPIRE." #285 A guy has to get fresh once in a while so the girl doesn't lose her confidence. #286 A guy was lost on the Mall by the Washington Monument. He stopped a policeman and asked, "What side is the State Dept. on?" The cop answered, "Ours, I hope." #287 A habit of sneering marks the egotist, or the fool, or the knave, or all three. -Lavater #288 A heart unspotted is not easily daunted. -Shakespeare #289 A house is never perfectly furnished for enjoyment, unless there is a child in it rising three years old, and a kitten rising six weeks. -Southey #290 A hundred mouths, a hundred tongues, and throats of brass, inspired with iron lungs. -Virgil #291 A journalist is a grumbler, a censurer, a giver of advice, a regent of sovereigns, a tutor of nations. Four hostile newspapers are more to be feared than a thousand bayonets. -Napoleon Bonaparte #292 A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. #293 A journey of a thousand miles begins with an argument over how to load the car. #294 A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers. #295 A kick, that scarce would move a horse may kill a sound divine. -Cowper #296 A kind word and a gun can do more than a kind word alone. -Al Capone #297 A king that would not feel his crown too heavy for him, must wear it every day; but if he think it too light, he knoweth not of what metal it is made. -Francis Bacon #298 A king's castle is his home. #299 A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction. #300 A lady with one of her ears applied To an open keyhole heard, inside, Two female gossips in converse free - The subject engaging them was she. "I think", said one, "and my husband thinks That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!" As soon as no more of it she could hear The lady, indignant, removed her ear. "I will not stay," she said with a pout, "To hear my character lied about!" -Gopete Sherany #301 A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is not worth knowing. #302 A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program in than some that do. -Dennis M. Ritchie #303 A large number of installed systems work by fiat. That is, they work by being declared to work. -Anatol Holt #304 A lawyer and a pope died on the same day, and both went to heaven. When the pope noticed that the lawyer had a larger mansion, he questioned Saint Peter about the allocation of rewards. The justification was "Well, we've had 265 popes up here, but this is the FIRST lawyer!" #305 A leader is best when people barely know he exists. When his work is done, his aim fulfilled, they will say, "We did this ourselves." -Lao-Tse #306 A liberal is someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist. #307 A lie in time saves nine. #308 A lie should be trampled on and extinguished wherever found. I am for fumigating the atmosphere, when I suspect that falsehood, like pestilence, breathes around me. -Carlyle #309 A light heart lives long. -Shakespeare #310 A light supper, a good night's sleep and a fine morning have often made a hero out of the same man, who, by indigestion, a restless night and a rainy morning would have proved a coward. -Chesterfield #311 A limerick packs laughs anatomical Into space that is quite economical. But the good ones I've seen So seldom are clean, And the clean ones so seldom are comical. #312 A lion among ladies is a most fearful thing; for there is not a more fearful wild-fowl than your lion living. -Shakespeare #313 A list is only as strong as its weakest link. -Don Knuth #314 A little caution outflanks a large cavalry. -Bismarck #315 A little help at the right time is better than a lot of help at the wrong time. -Tevye #316 A little humility is arrogance. -Bill Gray #317 A little ignorance can go a long way. -Solomon Short #318 A little learning is a dangerous thing! -Alexander Pope #319 A little neglect may breed great mischief for the want of a shah, Iran was lost; for the want of Iran, the hostages were lost; and for the want of the hostages, I'd be lost. -Poor Jimmy's Almanac #320 A little philosophy inclineth man's mind to atheism, but depth of philosophy bringeth a man's mind about to religion. -Francis Bacon #321 A little retrospection shows that although many fine, useful software systems have been designed by committees and built as part of multipart projects, those software systems that have excited passionate fans are those that are the products of one or a few designing minds, great designers. Consider Unix, APL, Pascal, Modula, the Smalltalk interface, even Fortran; and contrast them with Cobol, PL/I, Algol, MVS/370, and MS-DOS. -Fred Brooks, Jr #322 A little virtue will never hurt you. -Piet Hein #323 A loaf of bread, the Walrus said, is what we chiefly need. #324 A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price. #325 A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks. -Lew Col #326 A lot of what appears to be progress is just so much technological rococo. -Bill Gray #327 A lover's like a hunter- if the game be got with too much ease he cares not for't. -Mead #328 A machine becomes a human when you can't tell the difference. -D.A.R.Y.L. #329 A man begins cutting his wisdom teeth the first time he bites off more than he can chew. -Herb Caen #330 A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still. -Butler #331 A man devoid of religion, is like a horse without a bridle. #332 A man forgives only when he is in the wrong. #333 A man goes to rob a bank. He brings two things: a hand grenade and his dog. He pulls the pin, lobs the grenade at the doors of the bank and ducks behind cover. Rover retrieves the grenade, drops it at his master's feet, and bolts away for the next toss. BOOM! End of robbery. I think the dog got a citation from the city. #334 A man has no more right to say an uncivil thing, than to act one; no more right to say a rude thing to another, than to knock him down. -Johnson #335 A man he seems of cheerful yesterdays and confident tomorrows. -Wordsworth #336 A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants. A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item she doesn't want. -William Binger #337 A man is average when he can see the other man's faults; he becomes above average only when he can also see his own. #338 A man is never astonished that he doesn't know what another does, but he is surprised at the gross ignorance of the other in not knowing what he does. -Haliburton #339 A man is one who can't wait ten seconds for a woman but can wait all day for a fish. #340 A man is only as good as what he loves. -Saul Bellow #341 A man must first govern himself ere he be fit to govern a family, and his family ere he fit to bear the government in the commonwealth. -Sir Walter Raliegh #342 A man never discloses his own character so clearly as when he describes another's. -Jean Paul Richter #343 A man parks his car in front of the main entrance of the Congress. Inmediately, a member of the security team goes after him yelling: "Sir! Sir! You cannot park in here! All the congressmen are about to go out!" The man replies, "Don't worry. I have a good alarm in my car." #344 A man said to the universe, "Sir, I exist." However, replied the universe, the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation. -Stephen Crane #345 A man should be careful never to tell tales of himself to his own disadvantage; people may be amused, and laugh at the time, but they will be remembered, and brought up against him upon some subsequent occasion. -Johnson #346 A man should be greater than some of his parts. #347 A man should choose a woman and an ox from his own country. #348 A man should never be ashamed to admit he has been in the wrong, which is but saying, in other words, that he is wiser today than he was yesterday. -Pope #349 A man should not allow himself to hate even his enemies, because if you indulge this passion on some occasions, it will rise of itself in others; if you hate your enemies, you will contract such a vicious habit of mind, as by degrees will break out upon those who are your friends, or those who are indifferent to you. -Plutarch #350 A man was praying to God one evening, and asked God, "God, in terms of the vastness of your power and knowledge, what does a million dollars mean to you?" God replied, "A penny." Then the man asked, "And, in terms of the vastness of your power and knowledge, what does a million years mean to you?" God replied, "A second." All excited, the man asked, "Well, then, can I borrow a penny?", to which God replied, "In a second." #351 A man who can't mind his own business is not to be trusted with the king's. -Saville #352 A man who checks out of the express lane with seven items is the same man who will wear Supp-Hose and park in the Reserved for Handicapped spaces. -Erma Bombeck #353 A man who cries is capable of any evil. #354 A man who has been the indisputable favourite of his mother keeps for life the feeling of a conqueror. -Sigmund Freud #355 A man who is always forgetting his best intentions may be said to be a thoroughfare of good resolutions. -Mrs. Jameson #356 A man who knows the world will not only make the most of everything he does know, but of many things that he does not know; and will gain more credit by his adroit mode of hiding his ignorance than the pendant by his awkward attempt to exhibit his erudition. -Colton #357 A man who studieth revenge keeps his own wounds green. -Francis Bacon #358 A man who turns green has eschewed protein. #359 A man with one watch knows what time it is; a man with two watches is never sure. #360 A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle. #361 A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package. #362 A man's dying is more the survivors' affair than his own. -Thomas Mann #363 A man's errors are what makes him amiable. -Goethe #364 A man's good breeding is the best security against another's bad manners. -Chesterfield #365 A man's legs must be long enough to reach the ground. -Abraham Lincoln #366 A man's reach should exceed his grasp... or what's a heaven for? -Robert Browning #367 A man's reputation is the opinion people have of him; his character is what he really is. -Jack Miner #368 A man's true wealth is the good he does in the world. -Mohammed #369 A manuscript for a market in which no textbooks currently exist will be followed two weeks after contracting by an announcement of an identical book by your closest competitor. #370 A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems. #371 A mathematician is showing a new proof he came up with to a large group of peers. After he's gone through most of it, one of the mathematicians says "Wait! That's not true. I have a counter-example!" He replies, "That's okay. I have two proofs." #372 A meeting is a place where people get together to talk about what they should be doing. #373 A meeting lasts at least one and a half hours, however short the agenda. -Denys Parsons #374 A member of your family will soon do something that will make your proud. #375 A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer. -Dean Acheson #376 A military disaster may produce a better postwar situation than victory. -Shimon Tzabar #377 A mind content both crown and kingdom is. -Greene #378 A mind may be a terrible thing to waste, But a waist is a terrible thing to mind. #379 A morsel of genuine history is a thing so rare as to be always valuable. -Thomas Jefferson #380 A mother is a mother still, The holiest thing alive. -Coleridge #381 A motion to adjourn is always in order. #382 A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if ..." "If what?" asked the composer. "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?" #383 A narrow mind begest obstinacy, and we do not easily believe what we cannot see. -Dryden #384 A nation may lose its liberties in a day and not miss them in a century. -Baron de Montesquieu #385 A necessary item only goes on sale after you have purchased it at the regular price. -Sherry Graditor #386 A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out on loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed loudly inside the stable. "But I can hear it bray, over there." "Whom do you believe," asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?" #387 A new broom sweeps clean, but the old brush knows the corners. #388 A new cask will long preserve the tincture of the liquor with which it was first impregnated. -Horace #389 A new dramatist of the absurd Has a voice that will shortly be heard. I learn from my spies He's about to devise An unprintable three-letter word. #390 A new idea is delicate. It can be killed by a sneer or a yawn; it can be stabbed to death by a quip and worried to death by a frown on the right man's brow. -Charlie Brower #391 A new koan: If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you. If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you. It is an ice cream koan. #392 A new scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually die, and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it. -Max Planck #393 A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary. Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a "round tuit" now has no excuse for further procrastination. #394 A newspaper story reports the following graffiti on a wall in Budapest: "Marx is dead. Lenin is dead. And I don't feel so good either." #395 A nickname is the heaviest stone the devil can throw at a man. #396 A nose that can see is worth two that can sniff. -Eugene Ionesco #397 A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient power-down sequence. An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer cool. #398 A nuclear war can ruin your whole day. #399 A pacifist is a contradiction in terms. Most self-described pacifists are not pacific; they simply assume false colors. When the wind changes they hoist the Jolly Roger. -Lazarus Long #400 A pair of bright eyes with a dozen glances suffice to subdue a man; to enslave him, and inflame; to make him even forget; they dazzle him so, that the past becomes straightway dim to him; and he so prizes them, that he would give all his life to possess them. What is the fond love of dearest friends compared to treasure? Is memory as strong as expectancy, fruition as hunger, gratitude as desire? -Thackeray #401 A parade should have bands or horse, but not both. -Nancy M. Wells #402 A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. #403 A pedestrian is a man who has two cars, a wife, and one or more teenage children. #404 A penny saved is ridiculous. #405 A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of hell. -George Bernard Shaw #406 A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry. #407 A person needs an affair, just to break the monogamy. #408 A person over age 65 who drinks says that his doctor recommends it. -Bob Smith #409 A person reveals his character by nothing so clearly as the joke he resents. -G.C. Lichtenberg #410 A person who can't lead and won't follow makes a dandy roadblock. #411 A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely called a liberal. #412 A phenomenon known to anyone who has ever lit fires: You can throw a burnt match out the window of your car and start a forest fire while you can use two boxes of matches and a whole edition of the Sunday paper without being able to start a fire under the dry logs in your fireplace. #413 A physician is not angry at the intemperance of a mad patient, nor does he take it ill to be railed at by a man in a fever. Just so should a wise man treat all mankind, as a physician treats a patient, and look upon them only as sick and extravagant. -Seneca #414 A physicist is an atoms way of knowing about atoms. -George Wald #415 A piano is a piano is a piano is a piano. -Gertrude Steinway #416 A picture is a poem without words. -Horace #417 A picture is worth 10K words - but only those to describe the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately described with pictures. #418 A piece of electronic equipment is housed in a beautifully designed cabinet, and at the side or on top is a little box containing the components which the designer forgot to make room for. -Denys Parsons #419 A pig ate his fill of acorns under an oak tree and then started to root around the tree. A crow remarked, "You should not do this. If you lay bare the roots, the tree will wither and die." "Let it die, said the pig. Who cares so long as there are acorns?" #420 A pig is a jolly companion, Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt - A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale, Though mountains may topple and tilt. When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you, When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig, Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover, You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig, You'll never go wrong with a pig! -Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" #421 A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth. #422 A place you want to get to is always just off the edge of the map you happen to have handy. -Denys Parsons #423 A pleasing trembling thrills through all my blood Whene'er you touch me with your melting hand; But when you kiss, oh! 'tis not to be spoke. -Gildon #424 A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs. #425 A poet begins in delight and ends in wisdom. -Robert Frost #426 A poet that fails in writing, becomes often a morose critic. The weak insipid white wine makes at length excellent vinegar. -Shenstone #427 A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits. #428 A politician always abuses his own constituency and placates the opponent's. -Bob Smith #429 A politician will always tip off his true belief by stating the opposite at the beginning of the sentence. For maximum comprehension, do not start listening until the first clause is concluded. Begin instead at the word "but," which begins the second, or active, clause. This is the way to tell a liberal from a conservative- before they tell you. Thus: "I have always believed in a strong national defense, second to none, buts ..." (a liberal, about to propose a $20 billion defense cut). -Frank Mankiewicz #430 A poor man served by thee, shall make thee rich. -Mrs. Browning #431 A poor plan can be made to look great when compared to a worse alternative. #432 A pregnancy will never occur when you have a low-paying job which you hate. -Erma Bombeck #433 A present, over which you will shed tears of joy, will come to you from a nasty little boy. #434 A pretty woman is a welcome guest. -Byron #435 A pride of lions A gaggle of geese An odd lot of programmers #436 A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man". As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing." #437 A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. #438 A professor's enthusiasm for teaching the introductory course varies inversely with the likelihood of his having to do it. #439 A programmer at S.D.R.C., found the VAX very slow, don't you see. After typing "DEBUG", the VAX, it did chug. And it came back in February. #440 A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place. -IEEE Grid newsmagazine #441 A propensity to hope and joy is real riches; one to fear and sorrow real poverty. -Hume #442 A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience. #443 A prudent question is one-half wisdom. -Francis Bacon #444 A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free. #445 A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which was intended for her preservation. -Colton #446 A pun is the lowest form of humor- when you don't think of it first. -Oscar Levant #447 A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as you could blow it in may be blown in. This rule does not apply if the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants to make a travesty of the game. -Donald A. Metz #448 A quarrel is quickly settled when deserted by one party; there is no battle unless there be two. -Seneca #449 A quick response is worth a thousand logical responses. -Merle P. Martin #450 A reactionary is a man whose political opinions always manage to keep up with yesterday. #451 A real friend is a person who, when you've made a fool of yourself, lets you forget it. #452 A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices that the system works. #453 A real person has two reasons for doing anything: a good reason and the real reason. #454 A realist lets circumstances decide which end of the telescope to look through. #455 A really good bass is the hardest drunk to find. -Robert Benchley #456 A recent moralist has affirmed that the human heart is like a jug. No mortal can look into its recessed, and you can only judge of its purity by what comes out of it. #457 A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added concentration needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three dimensional objects. #458 A recession is when my neighbor loses his job. A depression is when I lose my job. A panic is when my wife loses her job. -Edgar R. Fiedler #459 A record of data is useful- it indicates that you've been working. #460 A reform is a correction of abuses; a revolution is a transfer of power. #461 A reformer is a guy who rides through a sewer in a glass bottomed boat. #462 A reformer wants his conscience to be your guide. #463 A religion can no more afford to degrade its Devil than to degrade its God. #464 A reserved lover, it is said, always makes a suspicious husband. -Oliver Goldsmith #465 A reverence for life does not require one to respect nature's obvious mistakes. #466 A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you. -Ramsey Clark #467 A river flowing through one of our large Eastern cities is so polluted it is considered a fire hazard! #468 A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Laws. #469 A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral. -Antoine de Saint-Exupery #470 A rose by any other name would still be a flower. #471 A rose is a rose is a rose, but junk is not junk is not junk. It is never quite what you think it is. -Richard N. Farmer #472 A satirist is a man who discovers unpleasant things about himself and then says them about other people. -Peter McArthur #473 A scar nobly got is a good livery of honor. -Shakespeare #474 A school should not be a preparation for life. A school should be life. -Elbert Hubbard #475 A secret in his mouth, Is like a wild bird put into a cage; Whose door no sooner opens, but 'tis out. -Johnson #476 A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago. #477 A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will keep him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those that are worth committing. -Samuel Butler #478 A sentence well couched takes both the sense and the understanding. I love not those cart-rope speeches that are longer than the memory of man can fathom. -Fletham #479 A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. -Professor Charles P. Issawi #480 A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose. #481 A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard -Prof. Steiner #482 A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic. -Joseph Stalin #483 A slave has but one master; the ambitious man has as many masters as there are persons whose aide may contribute to the advancement of his fortune. -La Bruyere #484 A smattering of philosophy had liberated his [Nero's] intellect without maturing his judgment. -Tacitus #485 A smoker is always attracted to the non-smoking section. -Raj K. Dhawan #486 A soft answer turneth away wrath. #487 A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. -Mark Twain #488 A stagnant science is at a standstill. #489 A statue lies hid in a block of marble; and the art of the statuary only clears away the superfluous matter, and removes the rubbish. -Addison #490 A stranger at your gate is grateful for the hospitality of your house. #491 A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows. -O'Henry #492 A strong memory is generally coupled with infirm judgment. -Montaigne #493 A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam. #494 A study of the science of technology defines what is possible; a study of the economics of technology establishes which of the possibilities is practical and useful. -Montgomery Phister #495 A successful American spends more supporting the government than a family. #496 A successful person is one who went ahead and did the thing the rest of us never quite got around to. #497 A successful symposium depends on the ratio of meeting to eating. #498 A successful tool is one that was used to do something undreamed of by its author. -S. C. Johnson #499 A sunny temper gilds the edges of life's blackest cloud. -Guthrie #500 A suspicious parent makes an artful child. -Haliburton #501 A system tends to grow in terms of complexity rather than of simplification, until the resulting unreliability becomes intolerable. -Tom Gibb #502 A taste for irony has kept more hearts from breaking than a sense of humor, for it takes irony to appreciate the joke which is on oneself. -Jessamyn West (Irony is when you buy a suit with two pair of pants, and then burn a hole in the coat.) #503 A theory is better than its explanation. -H. P. Woodward #504 A timid person is frightened before a danger, a coward during the time, and a courageous person afterwards. -Jean Paul Richter #505 A toad-eater's an imp I don't admire. -Dr. Woolcott #506 A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. -Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" #507 A touchstone to determine the actual worth of an intellectual: find out how he feels about astrology. -Lazarus Long #508 A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first. #509 A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played. #510 A tree is a tree. How many more do you need to look at? -Ronald Reagan, 1966 #511 A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle. #512 A true friend will see you through when others see that you are through. #513 A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. #514 A trusted friend will outlive you. #515 A two-timing husband is one who's pleased to make his wife's acquaintances. #516 A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem. #517 A university is a place where men of principle outnumber men of honor. -Ernest May #518 A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students. -John Ciardi #519 A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with. -Tenessee Williams #520 A verbal contract isn't worth the paper its printed on. -Sam Goldwyn #521 A very intelligent turtle Found programming UNIX a hurdle The system, you see, Ran as slow as did he, And that's not saying much for the turtle. #522 A virtuous life is its own punishment. #523 A vivid and creative mind characterizes you. Too bad you can't keep your mind on the down to earth things. #524 A volcano gnome seems to walk straight out of the wall and says, "I have a very busy appointment schedule and little time to waste on computer hacks, but for a very small fee, I'll show you how to logoff. #525 A weak mind is like a microscope, which magnifies trifling things, but cannot receive great ones. -Chesterfield #526 A wedding ring is like a tourniquet, it cuts off your circulation. #527 A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous. #528 A well regulated commerce is not, like law, physic, or divinity, to be overstocked with hands; but, on the contrary, flourishes by multitudes, and gives employment to all its professors. -Addison #529 A well-bred dog generally bows to strangers. #530 A winner goes through a problem; a loser goes around, but never past, it. #531 A winner isn't nearly as afraid of losing as a loser is secretly afraid of winning. #532 A winner makes commitments; a loser makes promises. #533 A winner says "Lets find out."; a loser says, "Nobody knows." #534 A winner works harder than a loser and has more time; A loser is always too busy to do what is necessary. #535 A wise man can see more from the bottom of a well than a fool can from the top of a mountain. #536 A wise man who stands firm is a statesman, a foolish man who stands firm is a catastrophe. #537 A wise ruler ought never to keep faith when by doing so it would be against his interests. -Niccolo Machiavelli #538 A wit's a feather, and a chief's a god; An honest man is the noblest work of God. -Alexander Pope #539 A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets people's attention. #540 A witty saying proves nothing. -Voltaire #541 A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the woman he couldn't. #542 A woman, like a good piece of music, should have a solid end. -F. Shubert #543 A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God. #544 A zygote is a gamete's way of producing more gametes. This may be the purpose of the universe. -Lazarus Long #545 A.I. hackers do it with robots. #546 AAAAA: An organization for drunks who drive #547 APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of the future for the problems of the past: it creates a new generation of coding bums. #548 APL is a write-only language. I can write programs in APL, but I can't read any of them. -Roy Keir #549 AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid. #550 ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE -- FIRST WORLD WAR A MISTAKE #551 ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19) You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are not very nice. #552 ASCII is our god, and Unix is his profit. #553 ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI. #554 Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy. #555 Ability hits the mark where presumption overshoots and diffidence falls short. -John Henry Newman #556 Ability is of little account without opportunity. -Napoleon Bonaparte #557 Ability wins us the esteem of the true men; luck that of the people. -La Rochefoucauld #558 Abley's Explanation: Marriage is the only union that cannot be organized. Both sides think they are management. #559 About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends. -Herbert Hoover #560 Abruptness is eloquence in parting, when spinning out the time is but the weaving of new sorrow. -Sir John Suckling #561 Absence and death are the same-only that in death there is no suffering. -Walter S. Landor #562 Absence diminishes little passions and increases great ones, as wind extinguishes candles and fans a fire. -La Rochefoucauld #563 Absence makes the heart go wander. #564 Absence of occupation is not rest. A mind quite vacant is a mind distress'd. -Cowper #565 Absent: Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed; slandered. #566 Absentee: A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove himself from the sphere of exaction. -Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" #567 Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder. #568 Absolute freedom is being able to do what you please without considering anyone except the wife and kids, the company and the boss, neighbors and friends, the police and government, the doctor, and the church. #569 Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song. #570 Abstainer: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. -Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" #571 Abstaining is favorable both to the head and to the pocket. -Horace Greeley #572 Absurdity: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion. -Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" #573 Abuse is the weapon of the vulgar. -Samuel Griswold Goodrich #574 Abuse: the bitter clamour of two evil tongues. -Shakespeare #575 Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, because the stakes are so low. -Wallace Sayre #576 Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western religion, Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western science. #577 Accident: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better. #578 Accidents cause History. If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd. -Mike Harding, The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac #579 According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of the returns." #580 According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath at least once a year. #581 According to my best recollection, I don't remember. -Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo #582 According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing severe marketing anxiety in China. The words Coca-Cola translate into Chinese as either (depending on the inflection) wax-fattened mare or bite the wax tadpole. Bite the wax tadpole. There is a sort of rough justice, is there not? The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's hard to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to bite a wax tadpole. Coke - it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, but broad satiric vistas do not open up. -John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle #583 According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime. -David Letterman #584 According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless. #585 According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never dies. #586 Accordion: A bagpipe with pleats. #587 Accuracy is the twin brother of honesty; inaccuracy, of dishonesty. -Charles Simmons #588 Accuracy is to a newspaper what virtue is to a lady, but a newspaper can always print a retraction. -Adlai Stevenson #589 Accuracy of statement is one of the first elements of truth; inaccuracy is a near kin to falsehood. -Tyron Edwards #590 Accuracy: The vice of being right. #591 Accurst ambition, how dearly I have bought you. -John Dryden #592 Achilles' Biological Findings: 1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity. If he looks like a neighbor, that's environment. 2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first. The chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the rooster. #593 Acid - better living through chemistry. #594 Acid absorbs 47 times it's weight in excess Reality. #595 Acquaintance: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. -Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" #596 Act upon your impulses, but pray that they may be directed by God. -Emerson Tennent #597 Act well at the moment, and you have performed a good action to all eternity. -Lavater #598 Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing. #599 Action may not always bring happiness, but there is no happiness without action. -Benjamin Disraeli #600 Action, to be effective, must be directed to clearly conceived ends. -Jawaharial Nehru #601 Actions of the last age are like almanacs of the last age. -Sir Thomas Denham #602 Actor: "I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had everyone glued in their seats!" Oliver Herford: "Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it!" #603 Actor: So what do you do for a living? Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving dishes for Chinese restaurants. -Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" #604 Actors will happen even in the best-regulated families. #605 Ada is the work of an architect, not a computer scientist. -Jean Icbiah, inventor of Ada, weenie #606 Ada was invented because Vogon poetry wasn't deadly enough. #607 Ada: Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA awareness." #608 Adaptability is not imitation. It means power of resistance and assimilation. -Mahatma Gandhi #609 Adde parvum parvo magnus acervus erit. (Add little to little and there will be a big pile.) -Ovid #610 Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. -Frederick P. Brooks, Jr. #611 Administration maintains the status quo. -Thomas L. Martin #612 Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. -Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" #613 Adolescence: The stage between puberty and adultery. #614 Adopted kids are such a pain - you have to teach them how to look like you. -Gilda Radner #615 Adore: To venerate expectantly. -Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" #616 Adult: Someone old enough to know better. #617 Advanced Design: copy writer doesn't understand it #618 Adversity borrows its sharpest sting from our impatience. -Bishop Horne #619 Adversity has the effect of eliciting talents, which in prosperous circumstances would have lain dormant. -Horace #620 Adversity's sweet milk, philosophy. -Shakespeare #621 Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass? #622 Advice from an old carpenter: Measure twice and saw once. #623 Advise well before you begin, and when you have maturely considered, then act with promptitude. -Sallust #624 After Goliath's defeat, giants ceased to command respect. -Freeman Dyson #625 After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the cost to others, to win advancement. -Norman Thomas #626 After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK? #627 After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted many important electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today, skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact that it sinks like a stone. -Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" #628 After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn. #629 After a raise in salary you will have less money at the end of each month than you had before. -Dr. R. F. Gumperson #630 After adding two weeks to the schedule for unexpected delays, add two more for the unexpected, unexpected delays. #631 After all is said and done, a lot more has been said than done. #632 After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations. -H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare #633 After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. -P. J. O'Rourke #634 After all, what was Medea? Just another child custody case. -Frank Pierson #635 After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found on the bench. #636 After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon to be created. "This is true," He replied. "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly. "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the right to make his laws?" "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to make his own." It was so granted. -Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" #637 After large expenditures of federal, state, and county funds; after much confusion generated by detours and road blocks; after greatly annoying the surrounding population with noise, dust, and fumes, the previously existing traffic jam is relocated by one half-mile. -Alan Deitz #638 After living in New York, you trust nobody, but you believe everything. Just in case. #639 After the correction has been found to be in error, it will be impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation. #640 After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed. #641 After wisdom comes wit. -Evan Esar #642 Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change. #643 Afternoon: That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning. #644 Against logic there is no armor like ignorance. #645 Against stupidity, even the gods themselves contend in vain. -Isaac Azimov #646 Age before beauty; and pearls before swine. #647 Age is a tyrant, who forbids, at the penalty of life, all the pleasures of youth. -La Rochefoucauld #648 Age sits with decent grace upon his visage, and worthily becomes his silver locks; he bears the marks of many years well spent, of virtue truth well tried, and wise experience. -Rowe #649 Ah! curst ambition! to thy lures we owe, All the great ills that mortals bear below. -Teckell #650 Ah! the youngest heart has the same waves within it as the oldest; but without the plummet which can measure the depths. -Richter #651 Aide: Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget cuts. Clinton: Tell them they'll have to help themselves. Aide: Sir, Social Security wants another $30 billion. Clinton: Tell them to help themselves. #652 Ain't no horse can't be rode; ain't no cowboy can't be throwed. #653 Air Family: Describes the false sense of community experienced among coworkers in an office environment. -Douglas Coupland, Generation X #654 Air is water with holes in it. #655 Airy ambition, soaring high. -Sheffield #656 Alas! while the body stands so broad and brawny, must the soul lie blinded, dwarfed, stupefied, almost annihilated? Alas! this was, too, a breath of God, bestowed in heaven, but on earth never to be unfolded! -Carlyle #657 Alas, I am dying beyond my means. -Oscar Wilde, as he sipped champagne on his deathbed #658 Alas, reason is not effective against faith, or against searches for miracles by the desperate. -Dr. Michael B. Shimkin #659 Albert Einstein was a late talker as a child. His parents were understandably worried. finally at the supper table one evening, He broke his silence to say, "The soup is too hot." Greatly relieved, his parents asked why he never said a word before. Young Albert replied, "Because up to now everything was in order." #660 Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat." #661 Alden's Laws: 1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause of pregnancy. 2) Always be backlit. 3) Sit down whenever possible. #662 Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall, Aleph-null bottles of beer, You take one down, and pass it around, Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall. #663 Alex Haley was adopted! #664 Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting for a dial tone. #665 Alexander Hamilton started the U. S. Treasury with nothing- and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even. -Will Rogers #666 Alexander the Great was a great general. Great generals are forewarned. Forewarned is forearmed. Four is an even number. Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have. The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms. #667 Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth. #668 Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of them keeps paying for it. -Peggy Joyce #669 All American cars are basically Chevrolets. -Herb Caen #670 All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing without thinking. #671 All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable. -Fran Lebowitz #672 All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. #673 All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance. #674 All New: Parts not interchangeable with previous design #675 All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm place to shift. #676 All bicycles weigh 50 pounds: A 30-pound bicycle needs a 20-pound lock and chain. A 40-pound bicycle needs a 10-pound lock and chain. A 50-pound bicycle needs no lock and chain. #677 All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely than others. -Alan Truscott #678 All busses heading in the opposite direction drive off the face of the earth and never return. -John Corcoran #679 All cats are grey in the dark. #680 All ceremonies are, in themselves, very silly things; but yet a man of the world should know them. They are the outworks of manners and decency, which would be too often broken in upon, if it were not for that defense, which keeps the enemy at a proper distance. It is for this reason that I always treat fools with great ceremony: true good breeding not being a sufficient barrier against them. -Chesterfield #681 All committee reports conclude that, "It is not prudent to change the policy [or procedure, or organization, or whatever] at this time." -Thomas L. Martin #682 All countries hate their immediate neighbors and like the next but one. (For example, the Poles hate the Germans, Russians, Czechs, and Lithuanians, and they like the French, Hungarians, Italians, and Latvians.) -Professor Charles P. Issawi #683 All courageous animals are carnivorous, and greater courage is to be expected in a people, such as the English, whose food is strong and hearty, than in the half starved commonalty of other countries. -Sir W. Temple #684 All experience is an arch wherethrough gleams that untravelled world. -Tennyson #685 All extremists should be taken out and shot. #686 All files, papers, memos, etc., that you save will never be needed until such time as they are disposed of, when they will become essential and indispensable. -John Corcoran #687 All generalizations stink. #688 All gods have feet of clay. #689 All government programs have three things in common: a beginning, a muddle, and no end. #690 All happiness depends on a leisurely breakfast. #691 All hierarchies contain administrators and managers, and they tend to appear at alternating levels in the hierarchy. -Thomas L. Martin #692 All in all it's just another brick in the wall... #693 All interference in human conduct has the potential for causing harm- no matter how innocuous the procedure. #694 All is but lip wisdom which wants experience. -Sir Philip Sydney #695 All it takes to fly is to hurl yourself at the ground... and miss. -Douglas Adams #696 All math classes begin at 8 AM; also, movies on Federal Government. -M. M. Johnston #697 All men are born naked. -Carlos Eduardo Novaes #698 All men can be lead to believe the lie they want to believe. -Italo Bombolini #699 All men can be reached by flattery, even God can (what, after all, is prayer?). -Italo Bombolini #700 All men have the right to wait in line. -Carlos Eduardo Novaes #701 All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that keeps us sane. #702 All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific. -Jane Wagner #703 All of us who are worth anything, spend our manhood in unlearning the follies, or expiating the mistakes of out youth. -Shelley #704 All of you out there who believe in telepathy, raise your hand. All right. Now, everyone who believes in telekinesis...raise MY hand. #705 All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of the United States. -Vic Gold #706 All our actions take their hues from the complexion of the heart. As landscapes their variety from light. -W. T. Bacon #707 All philosophy lies in two words, sustain and abstain. -Epictetus #708 All policy interventions in social problems produce the intended effect, if the research is carried out by those implementing the policy or their friends. -James Q. Wilson #709 All power corrupts, but we need electricity. #710 All programmers are optimists. Perhaps this modern sorcery especially attracts those who believe in happy endings and fairy godmothers. Perhaps the hundreds of nitty frustrations drive away all but those who habitually focus on the end goal. Perhaps it is merely that computers are young, programmers are younger, and the young are always optimists. But however the selection process works, the result is indisputable: This time it will surely run, or I just found the last bug. -Frederick Brooks, Jr. #711 All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors. #712 All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of every organism to live beyond its income. -Samuel Butler #713 All real programs contain errors until proven otherwise, which is impossible. -Tom Gibb #714 All right, go lie upon the beach, To bake beyond the water's reach; But if you're blistered when you quit, Remember that you basked for it. -Anthony B. Lake #715 All roads lead to Trantor, and that is where all stars end. #716 All science is concerned with the relationship of cause and effect. Each scientific discovery increases man's ability to predict the consequences of his actions and thus his ability to control future events. -Laurence J. Peter #717 All science is either physics or stamp collecting. -E. Rutherford #718 All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands. -Saint Patrick #719 All stressed out and no one to choke. #720 All students who obtain a B will feel cheated out of an A. -M. M. Johnston #721 All sunshine makes a desert. #722 All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism. #723 All technology expands the space, contracts the time, and destroys the working group. -Eugene Rosenstock-Huessy #724 All that glisters is not gold. Gilded tombs do worms enfold. -Shakespeare #725 All that glitters has a high refractive index. #726 All that time is lost which might be better employed. -Rousseau #727 All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What if it rains?" -Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" #728 All the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned products, if they are built at all, are dogs! -David E. Lundstrom, A Few Good Men From Univac #729 All the lights are frozen; The cursor blinks blandly. Soon, I shall see the dump. #730 All the news that fits, we print. -A. E. Newman #731 All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British quality. #732 All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most ridiculous ones. -La Rochefoucauld #733 All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by the government in less than a second. -Jim Fiebig #734 All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening. -Alexander Woolcott #735 All the troubles of man comes from his not knowing how to sit still. -Pascal #736 All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly. #737 All the world's a VAX, And all the coders merely butchers; They have their exits and their entrails; And one int in his time plays many widths, His sizeof being N bytes. At first the infant, Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms. And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun, And shining morning face, creeping like slug Unwillingly to school. -A Very Annoyed PDP-11 #738 All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed. -Sean O'Casey #739 All these black people are screwing up my democracy. -Ian Smith #740 All things are possible except skiing thru a revolving door. #741 All things are subject to fixed laws. -Marcus Manilius #742 All things being equal, all things are never equal. -Marshall L. Smith #743 All things whatsoever ye would that men should do unto you, do ye even so to them. -Matthew 7:12 #744 All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score. #745 All those things which are now held to be of the greatest antiquity, were at one time new; and what we today hold up by example, will rank hereafter as precedent. -Tacitus #746 All those who are opposed to the plan I am about to propose will reply by saying "I resign." #747 All true wisdom is found in computer fortune programs. #748 All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. #749 All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers. Each one owes infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in which he was born. -Francois Fenelon #750 All who have meditated on the art of governing mankind have been convinced that the fate of empires depends on the education of youth. -Aristotle #751 All women are beautiful, some are just less beautiful than others. #752 All work and no play, will make you a manager. #753 All you have to do to see the accuracy of my thesis is look around you. Look, in particular, at the people who, like you, are making average incomes for doing average jobs - bank vice presidents, insurance salesmen, auditors, secretaries of defense - and you'll realize they all dress the same way, essentially the way the mannequins in the Sears menswear department dress. Now look at the real successes, the people who make a lot more money than you - Elton John, Captain Kangaroo, anybody from Saudi Arabia, Big Bird, and so on. They all dress funny - and they all succeed. Are you catching on? -Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success" #754 All your fantasies will come true after your imagination is surgically removed. #755 All zoos actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is informing, stimulating and ennobling. -H. L. Mencken #756 Alliance: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot separately plunder a third. -Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" #757 Allow no man to be so free with as you as to praise you to your face. Your vanity by this means will want its food. At the same time your passion for esteem will be more fully gratified; men will praise you in their actions: where you now receive one compliment, you will then receive twenty civilities. -Steele #758 Almost all absurdity of conduct arises from the imitation of those who we cannot resemble. -Samuel Johnson #759 Almost anything is easier to get into than out of. -Agnes Allen #760 Almost nothing is impossible if you put the screws to the right people. #761 Alone: In bad company. -Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" #762 Alternate rest and labor long endure. -Ovid #763 Although men flatter themselves with their great actions, they are not so often the result of a great design as of chance. -La Rochefoucauld #764 Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios, mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer, Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a serious electrical shock. This proved that lighting was powered by the same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job running the post office. -Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" #765 Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back. #766 Always distrust offices not under your jurisdiction which say that they are there to serve you. "Support" offices in a bureaucracy tend to grow in size and make demands on you out of proportion to their service and in the end require more effort on your part than their service is worth. -Douglas Evelyn #767 Always give your people the credit that is rightfully theirs. To do otherwise is both morally and ethically dishonest. #768 Always hire a rich attorney. #769 Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what can't be done, and why. Then do it. -Lazarus Long #770 Always pray that your opposition be wicked. In wickedness, there is a strong strain toward rationality. Therefore, there is always the possibility, in theory, of handling the wicked by outthinking them. -Marion J. Levy, Jr. #771 Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else. #772 Always rise from the table with an appetite, and you will never sit down without one. -William Penn #773 Always run a yellow light. #774 Always sort the small file first. -Dick Munroe #775 Always stay in with the outs. -David Halberstan #776 Always store beer in a dark place. #777 Always tell her she is beautiful, especially if she is not. #778 Always tell him he is handsome, especially if he is not. #779 Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing that way. #780 Always verify your witchcraft. #781 Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves. #782 Ambidextrous instructors will erase with one hand while writing with the other. -M. M. Johnston #783 Ambidextrous: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left. -Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" #784 Ambition is a lust that's never quenched, grows more inflamed, and madder by enjoyment. -Otway #785 Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. -Charlie McCarthy #786 Ambition is an idol, on whose wings great minds are carried only to extreme; To be sublimely great or to be nothing. -Southey #787 Ambition is like love, impatient both of delays and rivals. -Denham #788 Ambition usually progresses through the following stages: to be like Dad, to be a millionaire, to make enough to pay the bills, to hang on long enough to draw a pension. #789 Ambition's like a circle on the water, which never ceases to enlarge itself, 'till by broad spreading it disperse to naught. -Shakespeare #790 Ambition, idly vain; revenge and malice swell her train. -Penrose #791 Ambition: The dropsy'd thirst of empire, wealth or fame. -Nugent #792 Ambition: The glorious frailty of the noble mind. -Hoole #793 America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up. -Oscar Wilde #794 America is the only country left where we teach languages so that no pupil can speak them. -John Erskine #795 America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between. -Oscar Wilde #796 America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization. -John O'Hara #797 America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, until people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and changed its name to "America". -Mike Harding, The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac #798 America's best buy for a quarter is a telephone call to the right man. #799 America, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood? -Allen Ginsberg #800 American freedom consists largely in talking nonsense. -Ed Howe #801 Americans are an energetic, ingenious, creative people. One index to this fact is that since the establishment of the patent system in 1836, there have been more than 3.75 million patents issued. #802 Americans have always attached particular value to the word "neighbor." While the spirit of neighborliness was important on the frontier because neighbors were so few, it is even more important now because our neighbors are so many. -Lady Bird Johnson #803 Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it. #804 Amusements to virtue are like breezes of air to the flame- gentle ones will fan it, but strong ones will put it out. -David Thomas #805 An A is easily obtained if a student calls his instructor "Professor." -M. M. Johnston #806 An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but is always polite to traffic cops. #807 An English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded summation, leaned over the bench and remarked, "I've heard your arguments, Sir Geoffrey, and I'm none the wiser!" Sir Geoffrey responded, "That may be, Milord, but at least you're better informed!" #808 An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose. -A. P. Herbert #809 An able man shows his spirit by gentle words and resolute actions; he is neither hot nor timid. -Chesterfield #810 An abstract term is like a valise with a false bottom, you may put in it what ideas you please, and take them out again, without being observed. #811 An acceptable level of unemployment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. #812 An apology for the devil: it must be remembered that we have heard only one side of the case. God has written all the books. #813 An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away. #814 An article in the Spring 1990 issue of Arlo Guthrie's Rolling Blunder Review describing the risks of reading RBR, concludes with the flawlessly logical sentences: "In other words, if our readers understand that they do not understand what they are reading then they must possess an understanding which is superior to the meaning which caused that misunderstanding. "Only a sense of humor stands between pain and pleasure. Nothing worth reading can be read." #815 An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it. #816 An aspiration is a joy forever, a possession as solid as a landed estate, a fortune in which we can never exhaust and which gives us year by year a revenue of pleasurable activity. -Robert Louis Stevenson #817 An atheist is but a mad ridiculous derider of piety; but a hypocrite makes a sober jest of God and religion; he finds it easier to be upon his knees than to rise to a good action. -Alexander Pope #818 An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuff his lover's mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border. Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is not a murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..." #819 An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you really care to know. #820 An economist is a man who would marry Farrah Fawcett for her money. -Edgar R. Fiedler #821 An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible. #822 An egg without salt is like a kiss from a beardless man. #823 An elephant is a mouse with an operating system. #824 An elephant: a mouse built to government specifications. #825 An employer was asked to write a recommendation for a worker who was leaving and was not known for putting out a great deal of effort while on the job. Since the employer did not want to lie and make this person better than he was, he thought a while before writing anything. Finally, he found just the right words: "You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you." #826 An empty bag cannot win in New York. -Poor Jimmy's Almanac #827 An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt already heard. After some observations and rough calculations the engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few minutes later the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper. This leaves the mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of humour from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny. #828 An era can be said to end when its basic illusions are exhausted. -Arthur Miller #829 An error that can creep into a calculation, will. Also, it will always be in the direction that will cause the most damage to the calculation. -M. M. Johnston #830 An evil at its birth, is easily crushed, but it grows and strengthens by endurance. -Cicero #831 An example is not proof. #832 An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch He wears a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is advertised only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and Rich Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote excellence: The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful. Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha. -Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" #833 An exception TESTS a rule; it NEVER proves it. -Edmund C. Berkeley #834 An excuse is worse and more terrible than a lie; for an excuse is a lie guarded. -Alexander Pope #835 An executive will always return to work from lunch early if no one takes him. #836 An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future. #837 An experiment is reproducible until another laboratory tries to repeat it. -Dr. Alexander Kohn #838 An expert is someone who can take something you already knew and make it sound confusing. #839 An extraordinary haste to discharge an obligation is a sort of ingratitude. -La Rochefoucauld #840 An eye like Mars, to threaten and command. -Shakespeare #841 An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it. #842 An idea, like a ghost (according to the common notion of a ghost) must be spoken to a little before it will explain itself. -Charles Dickens #843 An incompetent traitor is no danger. It is rather the capable men who must be watched. -Brodrig #844 An inexorable upward movement leads administrators to higher salaries and narrower spans of control. -David Riesman #845 An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself. -Albert Camus